He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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