Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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