Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize