walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Your cock deserves a montage
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
