Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
