I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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