Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
