So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
