Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
