Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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