On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
