Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
