im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
