Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize