Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize