Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
