There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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