my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
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