I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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