My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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