if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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