why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
