She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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