Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
