2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
