Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
