I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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