Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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