Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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