I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize