i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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