I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
