Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize