I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
