My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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