can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
