Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
