Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
