cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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