Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I met the friendliest cop last night
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
