Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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