my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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