hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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