Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
