i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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