Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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