and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
tonight lets celebrate not being married
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
