I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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