i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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