And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
