Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
