I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
