May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
