I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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