wake up i wanna do it froggy style
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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