What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm like, not good at living.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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