I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
