Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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