apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
