When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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