Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
