girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
