your parents love me but you hate me
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Randomize