Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
